Seven A.M. Bitch (2003)
Don’t.
Don’t even try.
Do NOT.
I woke up this way and I’ll be damned if I let you ruin my pissy mood.
Do not try to make me smile.
Do not tell me to turn my frown upside down. It has taken years of special training to localized facial muscles in order to sustain this foul scowl and I have not endured all that hard work for nothing.
Last night before I went to bed I set my clock for 7:00am Bitch and when the alarm went off this morning, I made sure I got out of bed on the wrong side.
I am the most miserable little fuck you are going to meet today and I won’t be satisfied until you are as miserable as I am.
I am a miserable bitch and this is how I am going to spend my day:
The first thing I will do is go to the bathroom and pee all over the seat.
Then I will put my hair up in pigtails, pulling my hair follicles just ever so slightly beyond my pain threshold – the key to maintaining a consistently snarky disposition.
I don’t care how much I reek of angst, I will not bathe. I will not bathe and I will troll my snarky stench under your happy little nose, all perky and cute with those stupid, tiny freckles which you probably got tattooed on your vapid little face. Oh yes, I will take my stench and hold it under your nose.
Breathe in deep, Little Missy.
Breathe in deep my malheureusement.